Humans. It has come to my limited attention that I have been discussed and exposed on this blog without input or consent. I have spoken to my lawyers, but, in the meantime would like to set the record straight. First of all, I am not fat. I am beagle shaped. Secondly, I am not just the family dog. I am the family MASTER. Through my actions, I control many, many things. I control sleeping patterns, by increasing or decreasing my snoring. I control moods by choosing when and where to poop (inside proves very disruptive, especially if someone steps in it). I control eating by sitting by the family dinner table and staring lovingly into the eyes of whoever is closest to me. If I am sitting next to a child, I usually just take their food, but I have mastered the art of mind control and can usually get the adults at the table to hand over their morsels too. If I catch the morsels in mid-air, I get more, so I have perfected this 'trick.'So, humans, do not doubt my vast knowledge or dismiss me as a 'dumb dog' or a 'cuddly beagle.' I am a liberated and modern day bitch and I also have a powerful nose, which tells me more than you'll ever know.
Today I would like to enlighten you with some information about my favorite local green space: Hampstead Heath. I spent my formative years in the English countryside, where I frequently lolled about in the sun and rolled in cow pats. I roamed free of collar or lead and howled with my brothers and sisters. Ok, so THEY howled and mostly I lolled in the sun. I never was one to follow the pack, being stubbornly independent. I also never agreed to poo and pee outside of the house and occasionally I destroyed small pieces of furniture for sport. It was this that led me to my current situation--Life in London.
Now, don't get me wrong. Life in London isn't all bad. Once I got used to the collar and the lead and the buses and riding in the car, I actually grew to like it. In London, I still am able to loll about--on the couches! I am still quite liberated and way more modern. I am quite the city bitch, actually, riding the bus and standing outside of the school gates as children and adults shower love and affection on me. It's a good life. But I have to admit that, occasionally, the country calls. And I still am on the fence about peeing outside of the house.
So, Dear Human Readers, let me take you on a tour of my favorite urban countryside, Hampstead Heath. Sadly, Kenwood House and its grounds don't allow dogs off of leads, so I can't recommend them, although my family does seem to like to use their toilets a lot and, if the queues aren't too long, to drink their coffee. They have nice flowers...and occasionally good scraps of food are dropped. And I hear there is some pretty incredible artwork inside. But that is of no interest to me! Food is my top priority and I have much better luck with food when I am free of the lead and can barge right up and steal it from unsuspecting small children or lovestruck couples having picnics. This is always quite embarrassing for my family, particularly when the child I have stolen food from shrieks in despair.
Something you should know about Hamptsead Heath is that it is pleasant no matter what the time of year. There are always intriguing things to look at and to smell and there is no shortage of fox poop to roll in or eat, if you are so inclined (I am). There are open fields to run in, ponds to swim in and hills to climb. There are rather vicious swans about and lots and lots of mud to run through. If you happen to be the type of dog who likes to cause your family great anxiety by disappearing and not coming when they call you, Hampstead Heath is the place for you!
Hampstead Heath is also full of the most exhilarating smells! On my last walk I smelled rabbits and hot dogs and smelly socks, urine and fox poop (but was prohibited from rolling in it by my overly attentive humans). I smelled sweat and the scent of tulip bulbs beginning to unfurl under the earth. I smelled quite a few rats and moldy bathing suits. I smelled dirty nappies and lots and lots of dog bums. The heavenly scent of swan poop drew me towards the pond and the sultry smell of fungi emanated from under a log.
And, I smelled the undeniable scent of my own kind. A beagle! Perhaps a long lost relative or at least a kindred spirit! One mustn't waste time when it comes to these rare chance encounters and so I took off at high speed to find her, my ears flapping in the wind, my nose in the air, my tail at attention!
My nose first led me to an unsuspecting pack of inferior types, who sniffed around the recently renovated ponds area listlessly and with no purpose. Clearly, no self-respecting beagle would have mixed with that crowd, but they did take time away from their bum sniffing and incessant barking to confirm that, yes, there had been a rather elegant looking beagle walking by a few minutes earlier.
I carried on over hill and vale (the Heath has a very lovely area called the Vale of Health, which I highly recommend), nose to the ground, determined to find the other beagle. I searched at all three swimming ponds (off limits to dogs, but open to people. Not that I swim.) and climbed to the top of Parliament Hill, where I took in a breathtaking view of the city, despite the fog.
The mud was a little bit of a hindrance, masking the trail, ever so slightly...and I also must admit that I got distracted by an empty crisp packet, which some litter bug had left on the ground. There was also the distinct scent of fried dough, which I was certain was a sign that I was headed in the right direction, but which led me, ultimately, to the Hampstead Heath caravan park, where there carnival people were having a break between stints.
The fog was getting denser, but my nose always knows...and we were gaining on the other beagle. My heart was beating with excitement!
And suddenly...there she was! Clearly she's not the master of the food in her house, given her scrawny state, but it was a joy to connect with one of my kind. Together we sniffed the perimeter of the pond, careful to get just enough smelly mud on us to ensure we stunk up our cars on the way home, but not so much that we would have to have a bath. We shared our best locations for fox poo and barked and howled melodiously together. It was great fun! She chased the swans, but I am aware that they are strictly off limits after nearly having been pecked to death by one last year for looking too closely at it. Sniffing with another beagle was a lovely way to end the day.
Oh, yeah. And here are some pictures of my family, who also enjoy Hampstead Heath immensely, despite their inability to actually smell anything much.
The End
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